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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Trieste Jeanne's LiveJournal:
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|Tuesday, March 31st, 2009|
|Tuesday, January 20th, 2009|
|The House Guest - Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
|Tuesday, December 16th, 2008|
|Wherfore Art Thou???
I know this is going to sound absolutely NUTS . . . especially coming from a girl whose last LJ post was about how I want off the books of the Mormon church. I don't want anyone to think that I've changed my mind. I haven't written the letter yet because there is more to it than my support for gay rights. . . . but here's the weird part.
I found Jesus Fucking CHRIST this weekend. Or rather . . . the role that Christ plays in my life.
I think that Christ was probably a man who walked the Earth teaching people compassion and love and so on. I don't necessarily think Christ was the son of God or the Messiah or the Savior of the Earth . . . Christ was probably some guy like Ghandi or the Dali Lama. A teacher teaching peace, health, wisdom, and love.
Mostly what this means is that Christ is a symbol for things I already believe and love . . . I don't know how to articulate, but I think it's probably a good thing. And it has absolutely nothing to do with religion.
I have a problem with blind faith. As a child, I 'felt the spirit' in Fast and Testimony meeting when the sweet ladies in the ward would get up and bare their testimony that the church is true and how much love they have in their life. I have also 'felt the spirit' when I hear stories of the Holocaust, or of people's dogs dying. . .. . . . I want ANSWERS, answers I've found for myself. They don't have to be the kind of answers that can be proved, but I don't want to blindly follow someone elses truth and reject everyone elses.
Ultimately what I think this means is that I'm ready to have a conversation with people about their religious beliefs. Welcome welcome open mindedness :)
I've started my first novel . . . it's about God and I think you will all be surprised :)
|Sunday, November 16th, 2008|
|The Mormon Church and Me
My dad's family is very devout. They are good people, they keep the 'commandments', they go to church on Sunday, they see to their church callings with their whole hearts. They truly believe that the LDS Church is the true church of God on the Earth. As far as I can tell, they want me to be a good Mormon because they believe that's the best way to live life. True Believers . . . not self-righteous folks who would run me out on a rod for believing any differently (which is kind of how I feel about all but a few members of the ward I was raised in).
When I showed up at my cousin's wedding with a brand new tattoo, my grandmother almost cried. She said "You know I don't approve" and I said "Yes", but she had this look on her face that hurt because it said that she loves me, but she is truly afraid for my action. My cousins weren't totally appalled. Some of the aunts I thought would 'love me anyway' were more judgemental than the ones I thought would be. Candice said she loved me no matter what I did to my body. I'm thankful for this experience because it prepares me a little for what is going to happen next. I feel like my family really just wants what is best for me and I don't think that they will send me packing or love me any less when I tell them that I'm resigning from the church.
I never intended to go back. I do not want to get married in the temple. I had thought if it became a big deal I would bless my babies in the church, but that's pointless . . to give into something I don't believe because my family truly believes it's right. I support them in their beliefs, and so I'm not going to come right out and tell them . . . I want to warm them up to who I am before I drop this hurtful bomb on them.
I've done a lot of reading in the past few days. I wanted to make sure that this decision is really one that I believe in, and not one that I think is a good idea because it will send a message to the LDS organization. (Even though that message is a great one!) I'm a little afraid of what will happen, but not terribly. I have decided to write the letter, but at this point I'm leaving for more reasons than one.
The more I read the more I'm shocked that so many people followed Joseph Smith across the country to be persecuted and chased out. There are suggestions out there that he was using mushrooms, peyote, or datura plants to facilitate his 'visions' to explain why the modern day saints don't see visions . . How much has really changed since the 1830's? And let's talk about the 33 or more wives he had . . . at least two of which were 14 years old, and half of which were already married. There are stories about married women who refused his polyandrous proposals, he threatened their reputations if they told on him . . . and STILL they remained ever loyal to the church. This is nothing like the history they teach you on Sunday.
I found a list here: http://www.i4m.com/think/history/mormon_history.htm
of a great deal of 'blunders' made by the leaders of the church over the years . . . A whole list of factoids just waiting to be validated.
I don't want to hurt my family, but I don't want to be part of this anymore.
|Tuesday, November 4th, 2008|
Chuck Norris doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike bar.
|Sunday, November 2nd, 2008|
This reminds me of the video footage that can be found on youtube with all the hamburgers and fries in glass jars with lids . . . and the fries from McDonalds that didn't get moldy when everything else was completely decomposing.
The last hamburger I ate was from In and Out in California. That was sometime during the week of Christmas 2007. I do not remember the last time I ate at McDonalds, but I believe it was after I had only worked for Unishippers for a month or two maybe January or February 2006.
|Saturday, November 1st, 2008|
|The Strangest Dream
Think people the size of the borrowers, or Thumbelina . . . living in an open room with a layout like RC Willey's and equally big, but with miniature furniture and every size leading on up to regular furniture..
the regular sized people massacred the little people and I found myself wandering through the destruction getting sadder and sadder until I found an infant who was still alive. All I knew was I had to get her comfortable and so I searched and searched for an appropriate bed for her so I could take her home and take care of her myself. But she kept growing . . . and at the end of the dream she was a regular sized infant. Her growth (while impossibly fast) was at such a steady pace I didn't notice until the end when I realized that when we'd started I could hold her in the palm of my hand and now her face was burried in my neck.
|Friday, October 31st, 2008|
I have always prided myself on being intuitive and empathetic. I can very easily relate to people that I know anything about and I pride myself on being able to share my perspective with them in a way that (while I acknowledge is sometimes isn't very good) is often really helpful. I've been told my whole life that I give great advice (If I wait and give it to people who are ready to receive it).
Naturally I would find a career in psychology . . . particularly as a therapist interesting. For the last several years I've just always felt like that was my calling.
Now I'm thinking I could make a bigger impact somewhere else, with less pressure. I don't know if I want to be responsible for a slew of clients and people who are in dire need of help. I can imagine getting frustrated when I couldn't 'fix' people. Or being incredibly overwhelmed when people who have so much to dig out from under walk into my office.
When I imagine myself in my 30's and 40's, I imagine myself writing books in the sun. A reinforcement of the psych program was my desire to learn as much as I can about people . . . and I think a base in psychology is good to have, but society, culture, religion, relationships, gender variant behavior, human sexuality, etc. is suddenly much more intersting to me.
My writing class has had an incredible impact . . . and I've always dreamed of being a published writer. I don't even know if I can write fiction!!!!!! and yet this is what I dream of. My teacher has given me a lot of encouragement this semester . . . and I'm really considering bailing from the psych program. The psych classes just aren't as engaging as I had thought they would be. I'm beginning to think I'm not a scientist . . . I'm a humanitarian.
My tenative plan for next semester is:
A math class (must take placement test and get this started already, I can't put it off forever)
If I fuck my GPA with my personality theory class, I'm going to retake it if not
another Writing Class
I think this combination will help me make my decision. I don't want to be at this forever, but I do love learning and I can imagine much worse ways to spend my life than taking a semester here, another there, do some travel, work a job I like, do some writing, another semester . . . I think you get the idea.
Advice? Opinions? Suggestions? Experiences? Please share . . .
What if I'm not sure I want to be a therapist after all?
|Tuesday, October 28th, 2008|
|Here's some stuff about me:
I feel like a better writer when I wear a scarf to class on the days we have peer review.
I got more satisfaction when my writing teacher told me that I'm a good writer than I have out of any other singular instance of being told I did a good job or made someone proud. It has been the only time to date where instead of saying thank you and internally hearing the critic say 'not good enough' where I beamed and felt my skin warm up.
For a long time, I HATED tea. I pretended to like it, but really the only tea I drank with regularity was made of peach which hardly seems like tea to me . . . but recently, I discovered Black Tea . . . and I drink a lot of it now. I like it especially well with soy milk in it. I even found a decaffinated black with vanilla in it so I can drink it before bed. I am bordering on fanaticism.
I changed my sheets last night and slept better than I have for the last several weeks. I believe that changing the sheets is not merely coincidence.
I told Alice about the Elephants today . . . I think she heard more than I said :) - I realize this is cryptic, but all you need to know is that I love Elephants and I want to go to Africa to see them for myself.
I'm meeting with Alice and one of her business partners sometime next week . . . they are financial advisors and are going to give me the down and dirty about my money situation. I feel better about my finances already.
I have misplaced a $30.00 bottle of Vodka somewhere in my apartment.
I mentioned to the roomate that I want a kitty, she said she'd be cool with that. I'm going to check out the lease agreement and call the landlord and find out what kind of expense a kitty will incur . . . and then maybe I'll rescue a furry friend.
I told Sierra I would help get her out of Mom's house, but that I will not be her roomate to do so. She took it really well. I have decided I will stay in my current apartment indefinately. I like it there, and I like Abby, and I don't want to start over anytime soon.
One of my financial goals is to buy a house in the next 3 - 5 years . . . and be able to afford lengthy vacations abroad each year in addition to Burning Man and the art installation dreams I have.
I have an almost irresistable urge to buy notebooks and journals. Everytime I find myself near them, I look through the entire selection for the one I'm going to buy . . . lately I've been better at not buying 'the one I'm going to buy" which is progress . . . but I still can't help looking for it. Same goes for poetry, fiction, and books about Eastern Religious philosophies.
I vote based on the issues that are important to me and what I think is important for our country, not on who my friends, family, co-workers, acquaintences, or the internet, political commentators, and the news say I should vote for. If it turns out to be a mistake in some arenas, I will know that I did what I felt was best . . . made an educated vote.
|Thursday, October 23rd, 2008|
1. Do you have the guts to answer these questions and re-post as The Controversial Survey?
2. Would you do meth if it was legal?
3. Abortion: for or against it?
I think right or wrong is not the issue, I believe women should have the right to choose no matter what. I'm Pro-Choice.
4. Do you think the world would fail with a female president?
No, I think a woman president could do a wonderful job. I haven't seen a woman who I would vote for yet.
5. Do you believe in the death penalty?
6. Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?
I think legalization could be a good thing in many instances. If nothing else, I think the penalties are pretty harsh for a chemical that's not nearly as dangerous as alcohol. I think it could boost our economy.
7. Are you for or against premarital sex?
I think it's a good idea to explore sexual chemistry with others, particualrly before you get married. I think that people who believe it's wrong, shouldn't do it. I think sex education is important over any belief though. I think it's better to teach children how to be safe if they are going to make that decision, rather than teaching them that it's wrong. I think a healthy sexuality is something we'd all benefit from.
8. Do you believe in God?
Not in the Western sense (or Abrahamic Faith, sense either.)
9. Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?
Yes. I don't think it's right that government have a say in who you can start your family with. I believe love is more important.
10. Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA?
I don't have strong feelings about Hispanic Immigration to the United States, but I do think they should go about it the legal way. It's important that we facilitate them in getting legal citizenship and part of that might be by not giving them jobs or financial support.
11. A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?
I think this is a case by case situation. Some 12 year old girls have families that will support this baby, some don't. In most cases I think adoption is for the best.
12. Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?
I think that lowering the drinking age to 18 will increase problems. I remember 18 pretty clearly, and I don't think that reducing the age is wise. The not a drop law was definitely discouraging and so I think I was safer about it because it was illegal than I would have been otherwise.
13. Should the war in Iraq be called off?
I don't think war is ever right, even if it's necessary. I don't like this war, but I don't know that pulling out immediately is a good idea either.
14. Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
No, I think human beings have the right to choose whether or not they want to live. I think suicide is very selfish in most instances, but terminally ill folks who are absolutely miserable and just going to get sicker . . . who are we to tell them they have to live until their bodies can't anymore.
15. Do you believe in spanking your children?
Yes, but there is a fine line. I don't think I was ever spanked that I didn't deserve it. My parents didn't hit me, spankings were part of discipline or punishment. I think an understanding in conditioning will help any parent regarding the spanking issue. It should be immediately after the problem, and following warning of some sort, otherwise you are sending mixed messages to your kid and that is what causes the problems. I don't ever want my kids to be afraid of me.
16. Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?
After having sex on it even. What does it even stand for????
17. Who do you think would make a better president? McCain or Obama?
18. Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
No. After reading Chelseas answers, I think the answers to these questions (hers, mine, and everyone elses) could be the beginning of a good conversation.
|Monday, October 20th, 2008|
I think I am going to delete my myspace and facebook accounts. Not that I've logged into facebook more than twice, but myspace is such a fucking waste of time!!! All I do is look at pictures, and while I enjoy all the pictures of you people, I have more important things to do . . . . like learn while I'm in school instead of getting the homework done to get the grade to get the degree . . . learning is way cooler.
|Sunday, October 12th, 2008|
|Interconnectivity (or how to avoid melancholy)
I know I succumb easily. It gets on me like a splatter of mud and I allow myself to sink into a puddle instead of changing my proverbial shirt. The thing that bothers me the most right now is that I wander around in my head in a foggy fucking HAZE of unconsciousness. LITERALLY . . . a fog. My vision gets kind of blurry, I have a hard time being alert and present. I have a hard time focusing on anything for very long. I think to myself that there are many pharmaceutical options available, but I REALLY loathe the idea (as you well know). It's time for another change.
I think that the haze is responsible for the melancholy... Here are the things I'm going to try:
1. Getting enough sleep.
2. Adjusting my diet to see what works best for my body.
-The first thing to go is greasy type dairy -- cheese, and butter. I'd also like to greatly limit the wheat products I consume.
The results I'm looking for are:
My body to feel better.
My skin to clear up for once in my life.
The ability to be more present.
More intuition about what to put in my body and what to keep out. -- All puns intended.
I have friends with wheat and gluten intolerance. I've seen what happens to them when they cheat and it seems strikingly similar to what I experience. What's the worst thing that could possibly happen??? I don't eat cake, or pasta, or bread, or pizza anymore??? In exchange for a higher level of consciousness??? It seems like a no-brainer (heehee) to start looking for things that can be sacrificed in order to feel better.
Once again . . . . life is seeming so cyclic :) It's nice to be seeing circles . . . it means I'm not lost.
Weekend Recap: I saw the Reba and Kelly (Clarkston) concert with my mom and sister. It was amazing :) I didn't expect to enjoy Kelly. I've seen Reba live twice now (three times if you count her surprise appearance at the National Finals Rodeo in 2005 where she sang the National Anthem) I keep waiting for her to sing my favorite Reba song . . . Maybe next time. Jen and I went to see Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist which totally rocked. I made 8 hair fascinators :) which is good, I was feeling guilty about being almost $200 into this project without making a single one. I like them all, but definitely have my favorites -- the cost? One blood blister, one hot glue burn/blister, a few puncture wounds from sewing needles, and an emerging style that looks nothing like my original vision.
|Saturday, October 11th, 2008|
I repurpled my hair yesterday :) I love it.
I am waiting for my camera battery to recharge so I can take some pictures. Stay tuned for the long overdue myspace picture update.
|Monday, September 29th, 2008|
My essays are at least outlined now. Gotta draft the first one tonight, take it to the writing center tomorrow, their notes on the rough draft, 7 1/2 pages of observation notes, and a final draft due Wednesday. The other one I'll draft tonight and revise tomorrow as well. That's stressfull, but there are exciting things coming up.
Desert Camping Extravaganza happens this weekend, I'm still undecided on whether or not I should go. I'd kind of like to work on some projects, get the rest of my Burning Man gear put away, do my laundry, and lounge around the house. Though camping with the jellies would also be an amazing time, and that would also allow for some psychedelic adventures.
Oct 10 is hair dye day and the Reba McEntire + Kelly Clarkston concert. Not a huge fan of Kelly, but I like to see Reba every chance I get. You know . . . childhood idol and everything.
Then Nov 22 is the Coldplay concert. I purchased two tickets today :) I'm stoked to see them. I heard Clocks at Burning Man at an art installation called Illumination . . . I had never given them a fair listen until then and haven't really listened to much else since then (well, Muse, The Streets, and a few other things, but really not much else). *beam*
Conscientia was really fun. I ate the best 'raw' food I've ever had. Got some stellar costume ideas, and thoroughly enjoyed myself and some of my buddies.
|Saturday, September 27th, 2008|
I'm absolutely crunched for time, but I don't think the stress will kill me.
Personality Theory Essay due Wednesday -- She gave two articles that were published in TIME earlier this month about McCain and Obama. I'm to select one and analyze their personalities using the theories we've learned in class. I'm considering doing a compare/contrast. -- I'm liking this class because I like D Glascoe, but I'm not absolutely tune in because much of it is review. I hope that once we get past Freud, Erikson, Jung, etc. That we can get into theories that I haven't learned about in each of the psychology classes I've taken througought history. I want them to assume that brief review is all we need . . . Because if someone didn't learn it in 1010, what the heck are they doing here?
Anthropology Field Observation Essay due Wednesday -- I still have some observing and note taking to do, going to do it on Sunday. It's about a culture I'm not part of. I chose the Latino community in Ogden. I've already learned so much :) I'm glad I chose their culture. -- I'm really enjoying this class too. We are learning about communication and linguistics. We have also been watchinga documentary about Koko and Michael. Gorillas :) How cute and wonderful.
I still have a lot of reading to do and haven't even begun doing the writing. Today is Conscientia and I will be there from 10:30 this morning until 2:00 AM tomorrow. I'm not going to Infected Mushroom, although I'm sure it will be fantastic, it's just not my speed right now.
I'm really glad that Fall Break is coming up. I think I'll spend mine camping in the desert with the Jellies.
I've been browsing Eckhart Tolle, and Frederich Nietzsche. Lots to learn these days, and I'm enjoying most all of it.
|Monday, September 22nd, 2008|
|Purple hair reigns supreme!
Our HR director even used the word 'classy' as in . . . Eggplant purple hair is totally acceptable :) I'm calling Chris right now to tell him so he can order in the right colour.
I'm so glad that I can keep it. I was really dreading the idea of putting that part of me away again.
|Thursday, September 18th, 2008|
I have two Chinese Money Trees . . . they are supposed to bring prosperity into my life.
They are slowly dying. Their leaves are drying and turning colors from the tips inward to the base of the leaves. I can't figure out how to get them healthy again.
I think I will take them home with me today. Maybe they will be more prosperous at home than in the office.
|Thursday, September 11th, 2008|
|More and More Progress
So, it turns out that this is all much simpler than I believed :)
Productivity makes me happy -- I want to make time to go out with my dad and talk about my billboards and the beer mirage and get some input. The billboards will have beautiful stenciling, and details . . . my dad the painter will know just what kind of supplies would be best :) I'm thinking something simple like spray paint and acrylic.
Contributing to my community makes me happy -- I want to get in touch with Jared about the warehouse plans.
Being active makes me happy -- I want to go backpacking this weekend, but it isn't going to happen because my schooling deserves all the time and attention I can give it right now. I do want to get some hiking in before it's too cold. I'd like to cross-country ski into the wilderness with a backpack this winter. Pax tells me there is a place you can stay in a yurt, this sounds fantastic to me. Next summer I want to give river rafting a go . . . I've heard harrowing tales, but it sounds like a great adventure.
I want my life to be full of love and adventure. . . . it's all coming down to balance again, but I think that if I schedule my work day, my study time, and my play time . . . I can own my life instead of being owned. I can own my thoughts and personality instead of being victimized by it. I don't have to succumb to melancholy if I become increasingly aware of how easy it is to do so. . .
Burning Man is a gift to me . . . one that shows me a glimpse of the self that I love most. The free, creative, happy spirited self. Sometimes all it takes is a glimpse of that self in order to be reminded of the steps I must continue taking to maintain that self (there are so many aspects of self all vying for center stage). I'm excited, I feel like I get it now :)
Really . . . next step is financial control . . .
1. Want to go to Italy and Burning Man in 2010
2. Want to go to Burning Man 2009 and take art installation
3. Want to contribute financially to our warehouse space
4. Want to buy an ibook
Turns out, there's a financial advisory business on the same floor as my office . . . time to pay a visit to the neighbors Current Mood: happy
|Wednesday, September 10th, 2008|
- My coffee black (formerly with cream but no sugar)
- The Streets
- When it's hot outside
- MAC cosmetics
- Aveeno Stress Relief lotion